More Complex Than Expected

I still haven't reached my happy place yet for this maintenance thing. I've been increasingly hungry over the last few days, which has been affecting my sleep. Last night I even started getting that creepy crawly feeling in my abdomen before I went to bed. I'm starting think that feeling is just a really weird way my body has of telling my it's hungry and wants food.

Anyway, I felt it was bad enough to eat something even though I'd met my calorie allotment. So I had some lowfat yogurt and granola right before bed which quelled whatever the heck it is that was happening. Unfortunately I still woke up around 2 am with the crawly feeling (which felt more like real hunger this time). I just dealt with it until I got up for the day. I weighed and low and behold had lost another pound. Down to 219.6 lbs. (started at 223 two weeks ago). Since the objective of maintenance is to MAINTAIN (duh!), obviously I haven't found the right calorie level to match my calorie burn. I did start out with a low calorie level because I thought I had decreased my activity level with the new job, but I guess it wasn't as much as I assumed it to be. And I added the bike sprints this week. I'm thinking it probably would be a good idea to stop that during the maintenance phase and keep it in the toolbox for deficit time.

With all that in mind, I'm raising the calorie level 100 calories to 2300 calories a day. I'll weigh tomorrow and see if I stay at the same weight or go up. That will tell me if the plan to add calories is a good one. I'll be very active this weekend in Wisconsin, so I'm not worried about gaining if I stick to my calorie level. And I'll regroup next Tuesday to evaluate where I'm at and if I'm on the right track. I've decided that Rog is right, that two months is a better timeframe for doing this. Since I'm still not truly in maintenance yet, I'll start the two-month clock when I'm confident that I am. No hurry...I'm learning a lot every day because this maintenance thing is way more complex than I ever expected it to be. If I do this correctly now, my deficit phase will kick some major ass.

By Jove, I Think I've Got It

Adding 100 calories to daily maintenance has done the trick. I'm clocking in at 2200 calories a day since Saturday and my weight has settled at 221 lbs. Now the work is to maintain that for 10 days to 2 weeks (still haven't decided when I'll start playing with deficits). I feel good. My sleep is good. My workouts are good. It's alllll good! :)

My goal over the next week is to learn what 2200 calories looks like and feels like. The biggest thing I've learned so far is that whatever I think a normal serving of food is, cut it in half because that's really what a normal serving is. Especially restaurant food and that's nice for taking a meal home for lunch but really blows when your partner or group are eating everything they're served. After this week, my challenge will be to take what I'm learning and see how well I do when I'm away from home for a couple of days. We're going to our friend's house in WI over Labor Day and I'm not going to track my food while I'm there. I'll write it down and log it once I get back to see if I'm able to accurately eyeball how much food is maintenance level. And weigh as well to see if I'm holding steady. My ultimate goal, and this is a long way off, is to be able to do maintenance long-term without logging my food every day. Obviously, because I'd like to have a normal life at some point. LOL

Saturday in the Park

Feeling good today! I got two restful nights in a row and I've been keeping on a regular schedule of three doses of Motrin a day so the joint pain is now a very dull roar. I had a good workout yesterday and I'm ready to get back to daily walks. I hesitate to say life is back to normal but two days in a row...I'll take it.

Yesterday was my first day of maintenance. I hit my allotted calories with 40% carbs. My preworkout "meal" was a cup of coffee with 2 T. of coconut milk which held me very well. The postworkout "meal" was a cup of skim milk with half a scoop of protein powder which I drank in the car on the way home. Breakfast at 8 held me until around 11 when I started obsessing on the next meal. Lunch at 12:30 held me until about 2:30. I was so hungry I had a bagel which held me until dinner at 5:30. It looks like small meals every 3 hours is going to be the norm no matter what.

I decided the first step to address my food addiction/obsession will be to stop all my surfing of food and cooking blogs and to stop watching any of the food porn cooking shows on TV. Although entertaining and informative, I think they do trigger lots of food obsession when even when I not dieting. Like yesterday I noticed when I got hungry in the afternoon I found myself hopping over to one of my food sites. It took a while to make the connection between my hunger, my wanting to hold off eating, and going to the food site to get a "fix" of food. I need to find other things to distract when hunger hits.

Now I'm off to hit the grocery stores for the week's food shopping. It will be interesting to see if I get any food triggers from being around all the food.

Mastering Maintenance

Since I last checked in I decided to end my attempt at a Whole30 because of major sleep issues. I'm feeling much better since I ended it on Tuesday but my sleep issues haven't completely resolved. My shoulder was acting up again last night so I had trouble falling asleep because I couldn't get comfortable. I finally did what I should have done earlier in the day and took some Motrin. I'm leery of taking too much Motrin but I think it's better to rely on it short term if it gets me back in action sooner. I went to the gym Wednesday morning and did my workout but the pain in my joints kept me from enjoying any of it. That's why I think it's more important to manage the pain rather than worry about any side affects from Motrin.

The title of this post refers to something that I'm reluctant to talk about, something that's pretty embarassing. But I have to talk about it if I have any chance of fixing it. I was feeling rather down on Wednesday (due to the joint pain, sleep problems, "failure" to finish the Whole30 goal) so I decided to reach back in my archives to listen to some of Leigh Peele's podcasts. The one I picked was called "Belief in Fat Loss". I don't know why I picked that one but I'm glad I did because it hit me over the head with major emotion bombs. There were so many nuggets of goodness in there I can't do it justice but describing them. At one point, Leigh explained what she was saying with an hypothetical scenario that was anything but hypothetical to me. She was describing my life exactly to a T. And it hurt big-time because the question posed by the scenario was why would I want to do this (meaning trying to live a healthy lifestyle and lose body fat).

It's a good question. Why would I want to keep doing this? I'm not trying to date. My husband doesn't care if I do this or not. There's no one who cares about this except me. It would be a hell of a lot easier to not do it. I realized that the reason is pride and vanity. Yes, I want to be strong and healthy, especially going into my senior years, but I want to look GOOD. No, I want to look DAMN FINE. Like I could date any guy if I wanted to. In other words, my self esteem wants to do this. Which is why it's embarassing to admit this. My self esteem has take a big hit over the last year because I've been unable to finish the job of losing the fat and really establish a permanent and sustainable healthy maintenance. Then Leigh said you have to master maintenance in order to master the deficit. If you don't really master maintenance then all you're doing is yo-yo dieting.

And that's when the emotion bomb really fell on me. That's when it finally dawned on me that's exactly what I've been doing the past year. I diet for a period of time (sometimes long, sometimes short) and then say I'm going to do maintenance, usually for a vacation, and wind up using the time to drift back to overeating. I have never mastered maintenance. I have no idea what it feels like to truly eat at maintenance and certainly not for any length of time. That's when I had to admit to myself what is at the heart of the matter. I've never really put my food issues behind me. I've always thought that because I haven't indulged in binge behavior for almost 20 years that I didn't have food issues any more. But that's not true. I do have issues because I obsess about food all the time. I love to pore over cooking blogs. I'm always thinking about when the next meal is coming. I love going out to dinner and when I know we're going out I think about it all day. And the biggest thing is that I still look at sweets as the forbidden holy grail, my "precious". That's the one thing I don't allow myself so that when I do decide to eat it, it's like taking drugs.

I don't think I will ever have any success losing more body fat until I master maintenance and deal with the food addiction. I don't know how I'm going to do that but I want to start by learning what the heck maintenance means for me. I've never actually done it so I have to learn by trial and error (hopefully not too much error!) I calculated what my maintenance calories should be based on the fact that I'm more sedentary now with this new job. I will track my food every day in SparkPeople so I learn what that number of calories (2100) look like in the amount of food I get. I know my food addiction will rear their head during this time because that part of myself looks at "maintenance" as oh goody I get to eat whatever I want. When I don't let that happen, my food addiction is going to complain. When that happens I will write about and listen to Leigh's podcasts again. I hope to figure out what is really triggering my addictions other than the food itself so I can figure how to fix it. I have no idea how long that will take but right now I'm thinking I'll do maintenance for two weeks and then re-evaluate where I'm at. In the meantime, I'll do my workouts and rehab to heal my joint problems. I can't think about doing a fat loss deficit now because it will just be more yo-yo dieting and not really permanent.

Catching Up

Ever since I started working from home I've been very la-la-la about my time. I decided this week to put some parameters around the days I work. Like going to bed and waking up at the same time. Like starting my workday at the same time, unless I have a very early meeting to attend. Like making sure I at least put on some real clothes and not workout clothes or jammies. :)

And I've gotten very la-la-la about posting to the blog. Mostly that because my days aren't very remarkable. I've gotten used to eating Whole 30 style and there isn't much to say about that other than it's day 16 and I'm still going strong. I still have issues with hunger and sleep that pop up here and there. I started having a new issue since I began eating this way (about a week before my Whole30 officially started). My joints, particularly those in my hands and feet, began hurting. All the time, but especially in the morning. My index fingers and my right forefoot seem swollen. I'm not sure what this means. I'm hoping it's some chronic inflammation working its way out but who knows. I checked the Whole30 message board yesterday and saw that some people had the same issue so maybe it's one of those less-than-common things that happens. The other thing is that I pee a lot at night. I know, TMI! But I do. Three times a night my bladder wakes me up and I pee like a racehorse. I hope this settles down as well because I'm not drinking any more water than I normally do so it has to be some metabolic thing.

One more thing...I broke down and weighed myself yesterday morning. I know I said I was going to wait until the end of the 30 days but I couldn't resist. It was the halfway point and I HAD to know. So I weigh 218.2 lbs which is one pound less than two weeks ago. Not quite where I wanted to be but that's ok. I know my gut looks smaller so something is going on. However, I decided to cut out fruit for the next two weeks just for a bit of a calorie deficit and because I really don't need it. I eat two serving a day but it's more for a treat than because I'm hungry.

I didn't go to the gym this morning because my wrist started hurting quite badly last night (that joint thingy has now moved to my left wrist). I'm wearing the hand brace I bought when my thumb flared up and taking Motrin so hopefully it will calm down enough by tomorrow morning that I can go. I've been walking more and feeling good about it so...progress! Gotta love it.

Don't Wanna Be No Hero

Today's Day 12 of my Whole 30...almost half way through. I survived a big challenge yesterday. Going out to dinner. Normally this would be no big deal but when you're being strict with exactly what foods and ingredients you eat, it's rather a challenge to navigate a menu. We went to one of our favorite restaurants so I was familiar with the menu and knew what I had to address so I didn't eat something not approved. I knew that dairy was off the table so I had to bring coconut milk for my coffee. And I knew the salad dressing wouldn't pass muster so I brought some red wine vinaigrette I had made. My entree choice was a half chicken that was advertised as "Amish free range" which is good but eating the skin is off limits since the chicken isn't pastured. I had a good-sized salad with hearts of palm (never ate those before) and avocado. I gave the twice baked potato to Chris and passed on the brussel sprouts on the side (not ready to go there yet!). So I'm very happy with my success in that challenge.

I went to the gym for a proper workout for the first time in about a month. I was very very careful with my choice of weights and I'm glad because my back was at bit sore afterwards. Sore enough that I lay down on a couple of ice packs when I got home. Everything was fine after that so I don't think the soreness was a big deal. Just the product of doing movements I haven't done in a while. However, the squats were a problem (still). These old knees are just miserable. I squatted until I felt pain which was about 3/4 of the way down so I got through it but it didn't feel very good. On the hip thrusts, I decided not to be a hero and just did them with bodyweight to see how it felt (it was ok). The shoulder was a little painful with the floor presses but not overly so. I think with more shoulder strengthening over time that will get better. Overall, my feeling is that I have to concentrate on strengthening all the muscles that support the bad joints rather than focus on the big showy lifts that make my ego feel good. I don't need to be a hero that's always injured.

Here's the workout in more detail:

Floor press  12.5 lb x 3 x 8
Hip thrust     bw x 3 x 10

Lat pulldown   50 lb x 1 x 8, 45 lb x 3 x 8
Standing DB hold   22.5 lb x 3 x 30 sec

BW squat      3 x 10
DB hammer curl   10 lb x 3 x 12

Full can shoulder raise  8 lb x 2 x 10

I'm Happy Today

That was a quick turn in attitude, she said! Wha happened??

Well, I'm working again thanks to the good folks who keep Michigan records. I put in a rush request to get my birth certificate and thankfully it came today. Of course I had to pay almost $70 to get it but it was totally worth it to get back to work so quickly.

I had my first cheat food dream last night. That's supposed to happen early in the Whole30 process so I'm a little late to the party. The amazing thing is that for years and years I rarely remembered my dreams. But this time I knew I was dreaming and remembered it. I was eating M&M's that tasted like mint chocolate chips. Yum. And I didn't feel a bit guilty about it when I woke up. Probably because I knew I was dreaming. It's getting easier to put meals together, as long as I make sure I have enough food in the house. That's been the biggest thing for me to figure out so far...how much veggies I need to buy so that I don't run out by mid-week. I'm trying to buy a new veggie every week. This week it was Swiss chard. I've cooked it like spinach and used it in salads. It's not bad, just kind of boring.

PT will be done next week, thank god. I'm getting tired of going, although I did learn some great exercises that I'll keep doing. The shoulder is much better but still gets twingy in certain positions. I wouldn't rule out needing surgery at some point down the line to clean things out in there. But I think I've gotten it strong enough at this point and will get it stronger so I can put off surgery until I decide it's time to do it.

I'm Bummed Today

What a sucky day. Not because I feel bad or didn't sleep well or any of the usual things. Because I screwed up my employment documents and now can't work (as in won't get paid) until I get this worked out.

Turns out I needed to send my employer proof of citizenship, which is either a passport, Social Security card or birth certificate. I don't have a passport (because god forbid the hubby will go anywhere that requires one). I thought I had my SS card but apparently lost it somewhere down the line. And lo and behold, what I thought was my valid birth certificate is only a hospital birth certificate and not a state birth certificate which is official. So I've applied to get a copy of my Michigan birth certificate sent overnight which may not happen until Friday if they find it right away.

So here I sit on my ass stewing. Which is not delicious yummy beef stew but something not tasty at all. I was actually feeling pretty good this morning, having slept well and have a wonderful breakfast. So things are mainly going right except for this. But if it doesn't get resolved soon I'll be one cranky-ass b*tch.

Day Five

Day five is in the books and *knock on wood* I'm feeling a lot better. I had a good night's sleep last night and my energy level was up today. My shoulder was achy yesterday during my workout but it's better today. All in all, I'm liking this food plan and I think I'm ready to get back to a regular workout plan again.

Since my back was feeling better, I was ready to take my dog back to the dog park. I had to stop to rest a couple of times but I was able to walk the regular route around the park. It's time to get back to regular walks as well. Time for EVERYTHING to get back to normal.

Day Three

Well, I've made it through three days of my Whole30 challenge. Only 27 more to go!

So far it's not been too bad, although I'm still having sleep issues and I had a really bad day on Thursday because of them. I had a really hard time falling asleep Wednesday night. When I did, apparently I turned on my right side and crunched my neck and shoulder. When I woke up both were painful and I had a lack-of-sleep hangover. Things went steadily downhill all day due to sitting in front of the computer (even though I frequently got up to move and ride the bike). By the end of the day, my neck was in full spasm on the right side and I couldn't turn my head to the right. This made driving to the PT a bit of challenge (no sudden lanes changes from left to right please!) The PT immediately saw that I was in pain and abandoned her plan to focus on my neck. She did some manipulation and put me in a hot pack. That helped somewhat but I went home still in pain and limited mobility. Fortunately, I had some Flexerol left over from my back. I took one of those and went to bed as soon as it kicked in. And slept like the dead. All night. Thank god.

Friday was an awesome day. All that deep sleep took away the pain and every part of my body seemed to be functioning just fine. I didn't get as deep a sleep last night but did sleep through the night. Basically I feel ok this morning but the joints are a bit stiff. Good thing I'll be going to the gym for some foam rolling and shoulder exercises.

I forgot to mention in my last post that I weighed myself at the start of Day One. I weighed 219.2 lb which is 2.5 lb less than I weighed at the start of July. I'm not going to weigh again till the end because this isn't about the scale. However, I do want to gauge how this affects weight loss. I'm not counting calories or macros, just going by my hunger and energy levels. I might be eating at maintenance and then again, I might not. If I can keep my activity level up while keeping the food at a reasonable level, I may lose some weight/fat. Me...an experiment of one!

I didn't get to making the mayo because of all my troubles but I have it on my agenda for this weekend. I need to make some for chicken salad and for salad dressings since the stuff in the bottles has gone bye-bye. I'll try to post some pics after my first attempt. Should be an adventure!

Day One

First day of a new challenge! I've been following the Whole9 program for the most part for two weeks, but can I follow it strictly to the letter for 30 entire days? I'm going to find out...stay tuned.

I'm still plagued by sleep troubles. Even though I went to bed exhausted, last night I tossed and turned because my body just felt so jazzed up. Usually two ZMA will take care of that. I even took an epsom salt bath but no dice. I feel like I'm hungry but my tummy's not growly. I think it's my body looking to be fed some of those overstimulating carbs (bread or sugary food). Hopefully my metabolism will switch over fat-adapted so that I tap into the fat stores at night instead of looking for a sugar hit.

Now that I'm working at home, I don't have the opportunity for additional daily movement like I did at the other job. I used to have lots of space on our floor to walk around and could easily clock 8000 steps a day. At home, I don't have that space to walk so I decided instead to use my Air-Dyne. As often as I can, I'm going to do 5 minutes on the bike every hour I'm in my home office. Today I got 6 sessions for 30 minutes. I'd like to work up to an hour a day if I can but we'll see once my full workload kicks in.

Next challenge on my plate....making my own mayo!